Granny's Guilt Train
by stephthewriter2
Summary: With Bugs married to his wife Lola and having three kids, his brother Daffy returns from his honeymoon. Their parents also know. Daffy thought he and Melissa would relax after returnig home but it turns out that Granny wants him and his wife, Melissa, to deliver thank you notes instantly. (Rated T for little profanity) (Parody of Everybody Loves Raymond, episode Thank You Notes)


With her two kids running around in the kitchen, Lola Bunny, stressed out, yelled "Okay, that's it. Everybody out of my house! Bugs! If they miss that bus, you're driving them!"

"No, I've got de jacket!" Bugs yelled while coming in the room.

Now both Bugs and Lola struggled against their kids, Babs and Buster, that they had to get their coats on them including their shoes. That was until Daffy and Melissa Duck came in the room.

"Buon giorno!" Daffy yelled out loud, happily.

"We're back from our honeymoon!" Melissa announced.

But Bugs and Lola were too busy to notice them.

"He's got no shoe!" Bugs shouted. "Where's de odder shoe!"

"Here, take this one," Lola told Buster.

"It doesn't match," Buster told her.

"I don't care, you take this and put it on up on the bus stop. Go."

"Hi kidsth," Daffy told them.

Suddenly, there was the sound of a bus horn.

"Alright, the bus is here," Lola told the kids. "So, you better run."

"Go, Buster, run!" Bugs told them.

"Babs, don't forget to tell your teacher no Gym today."

"Buster's homework!" Bugs panicked just as he saw the paper on the table. "His homework!"

"Hold the bus. Hold the bus!" Lola ran out of the house running after the bus. "HOLD THE BUS!"

Bugs went by the window but found the shoe in the sink. He to ran out to catch the kids.

With Daffy and Melissa standing still, Daffy said to his wife, "I don't think we missthed anything."

A minute later, Lola and Bugs returned inside the house with Lola saying, "Driver's such a jerk. He sees me waving this, yelling, he still takes off."

"I think he was scared," Bugs remarked.

Then Bugs and Lola said their hellos to Daffy and Melissa.

"How was Italy?' Lola asked them tiredly.

"Great," Daffy replied.

"It was so fantastic," Melissa also replied.

"Well guess what," said Bugs to the two. "Now dat de honeymoon's over, de honeymoon's over."

"It'sth not over in here," said Daffy pointing to his heart. "And it'sth not over in here." He pointed to his head.

"Dat's because dat…" Bugs pointed to Daffy's head. "Is in dere." He pointed to Daffy's rear end.

Lola asked Daffy and Melissa, "Did you have fun?"

"Yeah, Venice and Florence," Melissa replied.

"Like a painting," Daffy sighed. Daffy and Melissa looked back to each other. "Every night at sthunsthet we'd get on the gondola with a bottle of wine and just float down the Grand Canal."

"And the gondoliers would sing for us," Melissa went on. "We'd sip our wine under a blanket and cuddle."

"And it was stho beautiful, we justht start to cry," said Daffy.

They looked back to Bugs and Lola who were only giving melancholy stares.

"What'd you guys do for the couple of weeks?" Melissa asked them.

After a few seconds of silence, Lola merely said, "I did a little crying myself."

Daffy laughed at how Bugs looked depressed. Just then, the door opened to reveal Bugs and Daffy's parents, Granny and Elmer Fudd.

"Look who's here!" Granny grinned.

"Hi Ma!" Daffy also grinned, hugging her. Both him and Melissa hugged his parents.

"Oh, I thought I saw you two come in here," Granny said to Daffy after hugging him. "I've been looking out the window for the last two days."

"She scawed the cwap out of the maiwman," Elmer reported.

No one paid attention Bugs' hello to Granny.

"Come on, I want to hear everything."

"Ma, I just said 'hi'," Bugs told her.

"Bugs, can't you see we're having a conversation? Daffy's home! And with his beautiful new bride!"

"Alright Ma!" Daffy again hugged her and gave off a smirk to Bugs.

"Oh, we have presents," said Melissa, taking out a bag.

"Presents to?" Granny asked. "What you see to is a present."

"Open the bag," Elmer told Melissa.

Melissa took out two items and gave each one to Elmer and Granny.

"This is the most thoughtfuw gift anyone's evew given me," said Elmer. "It's a piece of shwapnel."

"It's from World War Two in Anzio," Melissa told him.

"It's wonderfuw. I'w bet it's from the ass of some Kwaut."

"Oh, look, a pin," Granny gasped.

"That'sth antique," Daffy told her. "A hundred years old. Antique."

After pinning the pin onto her shirt, Granny showed it to her husband and asked him, "Elmer, what do you think? A hundred years old."

Elmer only looked at her skeptically but replied, "I think it's lovely. Just lovely."

Only Bugs was confused by saying, "What the hell?"

"Oh, speaking of gifts," said Granny to Melissa. "How did you like what Penelope got you for your wedding present?"

"Oh, yes. Which one was it again?" Melissa asked. "Porcelain, sculpture?"

"No, no, it was a crystally-covered candle which they had made with your wedding invitation in a kind of window within the wax so that when the candle burns down, the invitation is illuminated from behind?" Melissa only smiled back. "You know the orange one."

"Right, it was…beautiful."

"I thought it was so clever. They just wanted to make sure you got it."

"Oh, yeah we got it."

"Cause they had it specially made."

"We got it Ma," Daffy told her. "Very nice."

"So, I'll tell her that you got it. She didn't know because she didn't get a thank you note."

Without knowing, Melissa had to explain to Granny that her and Daffy didn't have time to work on the thank you notes and they just came back from their honeymoon. Granny worried when they mentioned, "Get to it."

Only Bugs and Lola knew things were going to go downhill when Granny mentioned, "We're family."

The two went on that Granny went on, "I was so worried, I called the airplanes, I thought 'What if there was a plane crash?' When they said 'of course, there was none', I have to tell you I was a little upset."

Daffy pursed his lips.

"And now, to make such a fuss when I'm just asking you about thank you notes, I would like to think that we are at least grateful for the good fortune and generosity bestowed upon us by people who love us."

Elmer came from the countertop and gave Daffy a note that Daffy read, "Thank you for my shrapnel."

Melissa went to Granny and explain that she'll work on the notes but that wasn't enough for Granny. She smiled, "So, I can tell everyone."

"I don't know Granny," Melissa said back. "Can't you tell her she'll get them when she gets them?"

"I see. I have to say, Melissa, I'm a little surprised and disappointed."

"And I have to say, Granny, I really don't care about this right now."

Granny took offense of that. She took the pin off her shirt and placed it on the table including Elmer's shrapnel.

"Hey!" he yelled. He was about to take it back but Granny held his arm and the both of them walked out of the house.

"Oh, come on Ma," Daffy said to her. "Your being a little crazy over thisth."

"What did you say to me?" Granny snapped.

Daffy and Melissa froze in horror that Daffy squeaked, "Nothing."

Both him and Melissa turned around, faced Bugs and Lola, and Bugs exclaimed, "Daffy's home!" Him and Lola laughed.

Daffy said to himself, "That could've gone better."

"What happened?" Melissa asked confused. "I don't understand."

Bugs and Daffy went to get something to drink while Lola hugged Melissa and said to her, "You married into the Manson family. Charlie goes off sometimes."

"I didn't mean to argue. It's thank you notes. It's so stupid."

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Look at me. You were great," Lola smiled. "Do you hear me? You can't let her get away from anything."

"But she's so upset, I don't want to have a bad relationship with her. I should go apologize."

"No, no, no!" Lola sat Melissa down. One look at Lola would reveal the determination in her. "That is exactly what she is waiting for. For you to go over there and say you'll write those thank you notes. You have got to be strong! She is testing you! Trust me, what she just pulled here that's her big weapon: the guilt bomb. And it doesn't help that all the men in her family are scared to death of her."

Daffy and Bugs were watching from behind terrified.

"Whenever she comes up against somebody with a backbone who might actually confront her, she's completely threatened and she gets her claws out. And so, she has been allowed to rule this way, unopposed, for decades.

"Listen, Melissa. I have been waiting for you. This is a critical time. Even though this is a tough regime to topple, with you in the family, now we have a shot. You and me together to end all the suffering. Do you hear me? We can do it!"

"Oh, God!" Bugs scoffed.

"What is so funny?"

"You're so nuts. Still, after fifteen years you still haven't figured anything out about dis woman? Melissa, here's how I see it." Bugs grabbed a chair, sat down casually, and faced Melissa. "Mom loves the family. She really does. And she dinks it's her job to hold it all togeder. Does she overreact occasionally? Okay."

Melissa gave off an obvious stare.

"So, she wants you to write a few dank you notes. She's an old lady, what else does she have? Besides, before giving up a drop of power she will truly kill us all."

So, Melissa asked Daffy, "What do you think Daffy?"

"I agree with Bugsth."

"Oh, come on!" Lola yelled angrily, standing up.

"I totally agree and I add that becausthe Ma favorsth Bugsth stho much more than me, you will have to be doubly nice!"

"You're both idiots," Lola said to Bugs and Daffy, rudely.

"Look, it's real easy to make trouble missy," Bugs said to her, pleadingly. "But when Ma's upset with you, we're the ones who suffer!"

"Pleasthe, don't make her mad," Daffy also pled.

"Alright, stop!" said Melissa, standing up. "Why does this family have to be this way? With Granny building up so much power and everyone living in fear instead of just enjoying each other?

"Right Melissa!" Lola said to her. "That has been my philosophy from day one. Harmony, love, understanding, that's what holds a family together."

To herself, Lola said, "Granny is going down."

Bugs panicked that he tried to talk to Lola but she instead ignored her. The two started to talk.

Daffy panicked, "I can't take thisth, I can't take it, Bugsth!"

Lola started with, "No more crap, we stand up, we confront."

"I'm not afraid to confront," said Melissa.

"My life isth sthupposthed to get better!" Daffy complained.

Melissa and Lola started to talk things through while Bugs slowly put the table chair back in its usual position but he ran to the front door while motioning to Daffy to distract the women. Then he left the house, worrying Daffy.

"Yes!" Lola sighed. "This is so great because you can nip this in the bud, and I am going to be right behind you."

"We can help each other," Melissa said to her.

"I'm having chestht painsth," Daffy mumbled.

Over at Granny and Elmer's house, Bugs entered the kitchen where Elmer was having a sandwich.

"You get my shwapnel?" Elmer asked him.

"Listen Dad, I don't know what to do," Bugs shushed to him while he sat down. "De ladies, dey're planning to take over."

"Go on."

"Lola, she saw what happened with Melissa and Mom and de dank you notes and she got Melissa to join forces wid her and now Lola's all foaming at the mouth."

"Wait a minute, this is bad news for me. Anyone who puts the missus in a wose mood than usuaw puts me in the dumpew. Who's going to feed me if this happens? Wowa? That's no kind of wife. How's Mewissa's cooking?"

"I don't know. It's good I guess."

"Still it's a ten-minute dwive. You've got to shut this down, Bugs. How are they gonna puw it off?"

"It's already started. Dey're planning a big throw-down, laying out the new order, and everybody's equal – peace and harmony."

"Those stupid bwoads," Elmer scoffed. "You can't overthwow Granny. Besides anytime you cut the head off something the body stiw runs around by itself, all cwazed-wike.

"I know! Dat's why I am asking you. I don't know what to do. What do you dink we should do?"

"I'm not sure yet," said Granny from the laundry room, coming into the kitchen. Bugs screamed and stood up.

"You heard everyding?" Bugs asked her.

"I've heard enough."

Then he asked Elmer, "Did you know she was back there?"

"Yes," Elmer replied.

"Why'd you let me go on for?!"

"I want my shwapnel back."

Bugs tried to talk with Granny but he instead ran out of the house, fearfully. Back at Bugs' house, the women were still talking that he slowly walked into the kitchen.

"Listen, who wants to get someding to eat, you know right dis second?"

Then Granny came in the room, saying, "Hello."

"Let's go. I'm buying, I'm driving, and I'm leaving right now! Vroom, vroom, vroom!" He gave his best impersonation of a driver.

"Bugs, please stay. After all you brought something important to my attention."

Lola slowly stood up as if she knew why Granny came. Facing Bugs she asked him, "Where did you just come from?"

"I went to the badroom," Bugs told her.

"No you didn't."

"I'm doing it now."

"I was shocked to hear that you two were conspiring against me in some way."

"Group hug!" Bugs announced. Only him and Daffy hugged while the ladies only watched. "It ain't happening!" They let go.

"What have I done to give you such disrespect? You know, in the Orient, elders are revered and honored, not plotted against. And why do you have to talk about me behind my back? I'm here. Right here.

"Lola, we may have our differences but I consider you my daughter. And Melissa, all I want is for you to feel the same way. I just don't understand why you couldn't be direct with me. You may not like what I said before but at least I said it to you."

"You're right Granny," said Melissa relieved. "I'm sorry. I don't want to start off like this. I love you."

"I love you honey."

Granny and Melissa hugged that Daffy hugged the two of them from behind.

"You know what?" Melissa said to Granny. "I'm going to sit down and start on those thank you notes today."

Lola gasped.

"Whenever you get to it dear, no pressure," Granny said back.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," Lola panicked. "That's what this is all about!"

"What's the matter, Lola?"

"Oh, don't give me that. I know you too well, Granny. You come over all rational and normal and telling the truth and this sap fell for it!" She pointed to Melissa who took it offensively.

"You can't see that?" she said to Melissa. "This is strategy, divide and conquer!"

"I don't know what you're talking about Lola but, could it be that you're a bit jealous because you have to share the spotlight with Melissa?"

"Jealous?" Lola repeated, angrily to Granny. "Jealous?!"

Daffy was drinking something that Bugs took a drink from it which he asked him, "What is dis?"

"Vanilla extract," Daffy answered him.

"She just did it again Melissa! I am putting an end to all of this." She pointed to Granny. "Do you hear me? I am not letting you take another one." Then she went to Melissa. "Melissa, don't you see she will do anything to win? She's the devil!

"I've got to tell you it seemed to me that she was being very upfront and honest."

"No! No, Melissa, don't go! Don't go!" Lola hugged Melissa but Melissa forced herself off.

"Lola! Stop it! I can't stand all this! I'm not used to it! I'm not good at it. I come from a family that wouldn't yell if they were on fire. And, you know, you're not going to like hearing this Lola, but I think Bugs was right before when he said maybe we should just all try being nice."

Defeated, Lola said to herself, "She's gone."

"Did you want to say something Lola?" Granny asked her.

"No, Granny, nothing. Just…I'm sorry."

"Oh, now doesn't that feel good to say that?"

Now all three women hugged such as Daffy from behind. Bugs was about to by holding Lola's arm but Lola snapped to him, "Get outta here!"

The hug broke off and Granny said to Melissa, "And I agree with everything you said Melissa. Everything." Melissa grinned. "And about those thank you notes I don't care if you ever get to them. Except the one to Penelope about the candle. Could you just do that one? See, Penelope can be so annoying about things like this.

"No problem Granny," Melissa beamed.

"Oh, you're an angel honey!" She hugged Melissa. "Oh, there's no one like you!" With Lola behind Melissa's back, Granny raised her eyebrows over to her. Lola only gave her a suspicious look.

Later on, the next day, Elmer and Granny were eating lunch when Penelope Pussycat came into the room.

"Oh, hi Penelope!" said Granny cheerfully.

"Hey Penewope," said Elmer.

"Hi, I'm on my way to the supermarket but I just had to stop by and tell you that I got the nicest thank you note from that sweet Melissa," Penelope said to the two while smiling.

"Oh, isn't that nice," Granny said to her. "What'd it say?"

"Oh, it just went on and on about how she and Daffy loved the orange candle and will treasure it always." Then she spoke seriously. "I have to tell you Granny, when you picked out that candle for us to give to them, I wasn't sure about it. But I am so sorry I gave you an argument. Obviously, you have wonderful taste."

"Oh, thank you Penelope."

"Thank you," Penelope grinned again. "I'll see you later."

"Okay, bye-bye."

Penelope left the house and Granny resumed eating but humming and had a proudful smile etched on her face. Elmer only gave a disgusted look, shook his head, and resumed eating.


End file.
